Against a better self & feminists' de-education

Anti-"a better self"

The last time I wrote, I was writing to this idealized self, a self that does not exist yet or never will. I imagine that this almighty self is all-knowing and may be able to tell me where my path lies. A reader noted that I may be trapped by perfectionism. Right, when I wrote to this utopian self, I was writing to a self that cannot be true because she is the amalgam of everything I wanted to be but cannot. The continuation of writing to that imagined self is destined to be a mission impossible. By writing to a perfect self, I set myself up and remind myself that I am still not enough, a thousand miles away from that ideal self. A process of becoming can be a process of struggling, transformation, or suffering, and it can only be hopeful if the destination is something attainable. Not perfection. Rather than writing to be a "better" me, the more helpful way might be writing to accept "me." Nurture me. If you wanna grow, I water you. Something like that.

Why would a feminist abandon feminism?

Quan Xixi was fiercely criticized for her vlog conversing with Japanese feminist scholar Chizuko Ueno. With titles such as Beida (graduating from Peking Uni) and feminist, Quan herself posits as an attention-seeking figure. Netizens tend to hold high standards of both the claimed "elites" and anyone who associates with feminism. One of the controversial elements lies in her claimed feminist elite stance and her confession that she felt "belittled" by the "hierarchical" feminist trend because she rushed to get married before becoming a "leftover woman." She sighed that she would never dare to go back to her hometown unmarried at the age of 30, because then she would be intensely despised by the local culture, something she would not be able to confront and self-protect. For one, she felt torn between the avant-garde feminist claims of independence and the cruel reality that urges women's early marriage. For another, she feared that she has become unwelcome by feminists due to her personal choices. Netizens use the word "self-contradictory" to describe her. I believe this is not an unfamiliar word for women who are raised in a patriarchal culture yet later affected by feminism. When feminism advocates women's interests, choice, and agency, it does not guarantee an external environment for women to choose differently. The stakes too often are too high. It takes much wisdom, self-awareness, and capability for a woman to live up to "feminism." Though I believe that, the strength of feminism comes from its ongoing efforts to provide for ordinary women, not only "superwomen".

I feel the same tension inside of me. It could be that I have not studied feminism well. It could also more likely to be an ongoing struggle. Because when women were first defined by patriarchal culture, any step to be something different, would be an innovation and takes much effort. We are inventing new women, as we chew on feminism and struggle along the way.

Dai Jinhua first answered Quan's question about why she would feel so hurt if she went back home unmarried. Dai claimed that it was because Quan first internalized and identified with the local patriarchal culture. This internalization is a reasonable surrender of a young self to the societal routine. However, after being educated by feminism, Quan was not able to de-educate herself on toxic views on women. This is nevertheless not an easy task. I share Quan's fear too. My question is how to battle this internalization. Yes, I believe women deserve to choose their own life. But when the environment just trash you for not getting married young enough, how are the individual ordinary women supposed to still proudly defend themselves?

Quan chose to win. To not be a loser (woman) in others' eyes. She successfully got married in time and avoided being called a leftover woman.

In the battle between feminism and utilitarianism, the latter wins.

Feminism cannot promise victory. It does not promise anything practical. It is a friendly reminder that "you are caged."

However, it is more important to be a winner even if caged.

This winner mindset was theorized to be typical of elite women, who refuse to be called victims, and who refuse to be seen as weak or losing.

Rather than claiming to be a feminist, Quan Xixi is better called a "winner," or someone who "must" win.

I pondered upon the question of de-education and realized that we cannot forcefully forget what has been internalized inside of us, but what we can do is feed us new food that will occupy enough space of our brain and becomes our new "virtual reality." Then the patriarchal part will become smaller and smaller while feminist confidence becomes the main melody. When we fully digest the new food, it will one day reshape our perception. Therefore, we should keep feeding on feminist readings, films, and discusion, until we fully internalize them and no longer "fear."