巴黎雷歐《情緒管理十二講》第五講 毒性人格，為何不能正常詮釋 [原創(chuàng)]

后山學(xué)派楊元相、鴻翎[臺]、劉晉元、時勇軍、桂越然[美]、李閩山、章英薈、楊瑾、李意敏等誠摯推薦

巴黎雷歐《情緒管理十二講》第五講毒性人格，為何不能正常詮釋[原創(chuàng)]

第五講毒性人格，為何不能正常詮釋

（本文為任由之Léo 翻譯）

我們在生活中似乎都遇到過這樣的人，他永遠(yuǎn)都是對的，不容置疑。更過分的是，這樣的人似乎總可以讓他們身邊的人屈服，妥協(xié)。而正常人，在不知名原因的影響下，被這樣的人重重束縛與控制，不可掙脫。

上面的一小段描述是對我們生活中最常見的毒性人際關(guān)系一些癥狀的簡短概述。毒性人際關(guān)系本身是一個非常巨大嚴(yán)肅的話題。今天，我們只來探討這其中一個非常具象的層面：為什么有些人可以固執(zhí)到無可復(fù)加的程度？重要提示：本文是我自身對這個心理學(xué)病理層面現(xiàn)象的分析與感悟。如果你在生活中不幸處于毒性人際關(guān)系之中，請盡快尋求心理專家?guī)椭?/p>

在一個人成長的過程中，對于各個不同的階段，有一個隱性的時間表。現(xiàn)代科學(xué)已經(jīng)證明，對于人類嬰幼兒，他們是分不清自己和這個世界的界限的。舉一個最明顯的例子，當(dāng)一個幼兒看到另一個孩子摔倒，或者被割傷，自己便也會很難過地哭號起來。他自己分不清楚受傷的那個孩子不是自己。很多人會以為這樣的小孩子是對別人的痛苦感同身受，高情商的表現(xiàn)。這是不準(zhǔn)確的，在嬰幼兒期，這個表現(xiàn)的原因是其還沒有完整的自我意識。如果你仔細(xì)回想，有可能還能想到自己幼兒時期的模糊記憶。在這個模糊記憶里，你仔細(xì)翻找，說不定會想起那個自己就是世界的感受。具體一點(diǎn)，幼兒園的老師，小朋友，和桌椅板凳都是因?yàn)樽约憾嬖诘摹．?dāng)自己跟父母回家之后，這些東西在我們當(dāng)時幼小的心靈里就不存在了。這個世界獨(dú)立于我們意志而存在并運(yùn)轉(zhuǎn)這個概念，我們一般是到了更大的年紀(jì)才開始領(lǐng)會到。

之后隨著一個人精神的成長，在兒童期或青春期早期的以后，我們會開始認(rèn)識到這個世界和我們的個體之間有一個隔閡。在一個人精神成長的心路歷程里，這個覺醒是一個決定性的時刻。個體在經(jīng)過這個改變之后，開始認(rèn)識到世界并不是完全圍著自己在轉(zhuǎn)。在現(xiàn)代心理學(xué)中，這個改變被稱之為自我意識的覺醒。我對于這個改變有一個假設(shè)：在我們的成長過程中，可以觸發(fā)自我意識覺醒的時間點(diǎn)有一個既定窗口：兒童期到青春期早期。我建立這個推論的原因是通過觀察有自我意識問題的成年人，錯過了這個時期以后，他們在此之后自我意識覺醒的可能性相對低很多。

這還沒有結(jié)束，之后還有更精彩的續(xù)集。這些在兒童及青春期早期沒有覺醒的個體，在之后的生活中，會與自我意識覺醒背道而馳。原因是自我意識中的逃避自我保護(hù)機(jī)制在時刻發(fā)力，來緩解因?yàn)闆]有自我意識而經(jīng)歷的巨量痛苦。這樣說起來你似乎覺得很不直觀，難以理解。那么換句話來說，對于自我意識沒有覺醒的人， 他們的主觀意識里就沒有“在我看來”這個概念。原因也很簡單，因?yàn)椤拔摇边@個概念的完整建立，是需要以自我覺醒為前提的。正是因?yàn)闆]有這個完整豐滿的“我“的概念，這樣的人就無法意識到，自己所有的所思所想，都無一例外的是自己主觀對這個世界的解讀。當(dāng)一個人意識不到自己所有的思想都是自己主觀解讀的表現(xiàn)的時候，他在社交上的問題也就凸顯了出來。“在我看來”，或者“以鄙人的拙見”，不僅是不同人之間交往的必要緩沖，也同時是厚重和兼收并蓄的成熟人格的前提。原因也不難看出：一個人須要先認(rèn)識到自己的存在。其次，在自我意識覺醒的前提下， 才有可能看到自己作為個體的局限。只有當(dāng)看到了局限，并且接受了自己作為個體的局限，一個人格才有可能走向成熟，與最終的超脫。

現(xiàn)在我們就更容易理解為什么有的人一輩子剛愎自用，不可理喻。面對這樣一個人，我們所有的交流努力就像撞到一堵墻，不管什么樣的討論，爭執(zhí)，都沒有任何效果。因?yàn)樵谒木袷澜纾晕沂遣淮嬖诘摹Ｄ敲此乃急婢筒粫в薪z毫的開放度與靈活性。因?yàn)槲壹词鞘澜纾俏业乃急娼Y(jié)論即是不可質(zhì)疑的真理。別人所有的話語，在我的真理面前，都黯然失色。我永遠(yuǎn)是對的。

本文最后，是一個小提示。上面所分析的是受害者在毒性人際關(guān)系中一個主要的痛苦根源：被對方剛愎自用噤聲的痛苦，以及自己的聲音不被認(rèn)可的窒息感。但上面所討論的，并不是受害者無法脫離這個毒性關(guān)系的原因。至于為什么毒性人格會把他的受害者越困越緊這個更大的話題，暫時不是像這樣的小文所探討的范疇。

Toxic personality, why some people are impossible to reason with

We all have crossed that someone in our life, who is always right and cannot be challenged. What more, he or she seems to force everyone around him or her to submit to their way of doing things with next to 0 flexibility. For some reason, we are bound to them unfortunately, unable to break free for different reasons.

Above is a brief description of symptoms of one of the most common toxic relationships that we experience in life. This is a serious topic that deserves more attention and deeper analysis. Today, we’ll try to shed some light on the deeper level that is why some people are like this. Disclaimer: this is my take away on the reason why people turn out like this. If you find yourself in a toxic relationship with someone having similar characteristic traits, please consult a psychological professional for help.

In the process of growing up, many tasks have been carried out according to a predefined time table. It has already been scientifically proven that very small babies cannot understand the boundary between himself and the world. The most obvious example would be if a toddler saw another fall, or get cut, he or she will spontaneously cry as if the pain is happening to himself. This is not a sign of super developed empathy but a yet developed self-awareness. If you try hard enough, you might even recall some memories of your toddler days in which the world does not exist independently of yourself. Once one left the kindergarten, all the people and everything they interacted with there during the day stopped existing for the kid.

Then with mental growth comes along in the pre-adolescent children, we start to realize that there’s a clear gap between the world and ourselves. This is the deciding moment that a person starts to realize that everything does not resolve around himself. In psychology, this is called the awakening of self-awareness. For now, my hypothesis is that there’s a time window for this process during our growth. I think this should happen somewhere pre-adolescence or during early adolescence. The reason for my deduction is that it seems to me if someone who made it across the adolescence without ever having the self-awakening process, it does not happen later in life neither.

Then, something even more fascinating happens. These individuals that hadn’t had their self-awareness would have been pushed even further from it later in life due to huge amount of coping mechanisms. To make it easier to visualize, this sort of individual does not have the concept “in my personal opinion” at all. Since there is no “self” in their existence, there’s no possibility to see that what they experience and learn is under the omnipresent theme of “personal interpretation” of truth. This is very problematic for social life, because “in my personal opinion” is indeed the buffer in any conflicts of values and social confrontations. Furthermore, it is not only a buffer to lubricate social encounters, but also the foundation of open-mindedness. Because only after one’s realization of self, the acceptation of his or her limits as one individual can happen. And again it is after the acceptation of one’s mortal limit, he or she can evolve further and to be genuinely open-minded.

Now it is clearer why in discussions with certain people, none of what you say would be heard and you’ll always be crushed by the firmness in front of you. Because there’s no self in their psyche, thus everything they come up with equals the ultimate truth. Under this circumstance, your words would always be weaker than the “truth”.

It is worth pointing out that, for a toxic relationship with some one of this kind, what has been discussed above is one of the main sources of constant suffering for the victim. But it is not exactly one of the binding forces that keeps the victim in this relationship. The binding forces are another big subject that deserves more detailed analysis.

《情緒管理十二講》

巴黎雷歐 著

原書名：Paris gold Key（巴黎金鑰匙）

Léo Paris 巴黎雷歐 著

Paris2019

內(nèi)容簡介

這是一本從非常別致的角度解析情緒管理的著作，是從作者的系列心理學(xué)講座中挑選出來的。巴黎雷歐（李由、任由之）的系列心理學(xué)講座，在法國、美國青年中頗受歡迎，特試譯為中文版本。

巴黎雷歐著有《跨國公司內(nèi)部談判效益論析》（法文版）《法國現(xiàn)代書畫藝術(shù)評論》（英文版3卷）和《雷歐帶你認(rèn)識法國》《雷歐帶你認(rèn)識巴黎》等書籍。

由于巴黎雷歐現(xiàn)系巴黎遠(yuǎn)東文化藝術(shù)協(xié)會負(fù)責(zé)人，巴黎遠(yuǎn)東藝術(shù)館、巴黎雷歐珍寶館和多種媒體及版權(quán)交易機(jī)構(gòu)負(fù)責(zé)人，非常繁忙，所以此譯本尚未得巴黎雷歐先生審閱，特此說明。

情緒管理十二講LéoParis –巴黎雷歐 目錄

（中文譯本未經(jīng)巴黎雷歐審閱）

第一講 輕松成功，有秘訣嗎？

第二講 給你的“自律”放個假

第三講 決策，可能是偽裝的逃避

第四講 成功的關(guān)鍵在于效率

第五講 毒性人格，為何不能正常詮釋

第六講 情感脫節(jié)，一個危險的癥狀

第七講 情緒化，恰恰是因?yàn)槿狈Ω行?/p>

第八講 強(qiáng)烈感覺與自我意識

第九講 治愈厭倦，參與周圍的環(huán)境

第十講 不要讓你喜歡的東西殺死你

第十一講 社交障礙治療——消除隔離

第十二講 樂趣和成功之間的差距

Paris gold Key

巴黎金鑰匙

Léo Paris

Catalog

Catalog

Key to success with ease

Give your poor self-discipline a break

Decision-making, a highly disguised escape

Key to success with efficiency

Toxic personality, why some people are impossible to reason with

Disconnected of one’s emotion, the real symptoms

One is extremely moody because he is NOT emotional

Open mindedness and self-awareness

Cure to boredom, engage the environment around you

DON’T find something that you love and let it kill you

Social accessibility, one major cure for social isolation

The gap between having fun and being successful

著者簡介

巴黎雷歐（Léo Paris），曾用名李由，任由之，巴黎大學(xué)國際經(jīng)濟(jì)研究生畢業(yè)，曾任通用電氣公司歐亞總部經(jīng)理及新浪歐洲財經(jīng)特邀記者，著有《晨曦集》《在成長》《跨國公司內(nèi)部談判》（法）《情緒管理十二講》（法）《遠(yuǎn)東文化藝術(shù)》（法）《巴黎雷歐藝術(shù)評論》（法，3卷）《簡明國際商務(wù)》（考研輔導(dǎo)用書）《國際談判哲學(xué)》（法）《國際談判實(shí)務(wù)》（華）等。

巴黎雷歐